The Warning Signs Of InSaNiTy
1. Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and
then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
2. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that
you wouldn’t expect tentacles to be growing from.
3. You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
4. You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends
you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
5. Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to
relieve yourself on it.
6. You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of
evil dandruff spirits.
7. You’re always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for
setting fire to his lawn decorations.
8. Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
9. People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
10. Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
11. You laugh out loud during funerals.
12. When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out “RAPE! RAPE!”
13. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can’t understand you
through that scuba mask.
14. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you’ve
stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going
to one day seek revenge.
15. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
16. Your father pretends you don’t exist, just to play along with your
17. You collect dead windowsill flies.
18. Everytime the phone rings, you shout, “Hey! An angel just got its
19. You like cats. Especially with mayo.
20. You scream “I’ve got a knife!” to people who try to sell you things.
21. You scream “I’ve got a knife!” to people at your family reunion.
22. You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan’s Island, because they
23. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they’ll hatch.
24. Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
25. You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
26. You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the
middle of your front lawn.
27. Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name
etched on it, and you tell him it’s for security reasons.
28. Melba toast excites you.
29. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another
room to tell him, because “the napkins have ears.”
30. You tend to agree with everything your mother’s dead uncle tells you.
31. Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think
to yourself, “I think I’ll kill the pope today.”
32. You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for
a few minutes.
33. Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
34. Nearly everything you say involves the word, “P-toing!”
35. You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala
or to be loved by an infectious disease.
36. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and
pretend that you’re a stalk.
37. You think that exploding wouldn’t be so bad, once you got used to it.
38. You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
39. People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a
violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
40. You like reading lists like this. (The Paul Richter
Special Edition Appendix)
41. You sit in your room for hours on end listening to Peter, Paul & Mary
and playing solitaire on your computer.
42. You experience periods of time when your mouth can do nothing but sing
“Mama’s little baby loves short’nin’, short’nin….”
43. You begin to start almost every conversation with the introduction to
_The A-Team_ theme song.
44. You spend three hours sitting on the floor cutting and pasting a
project for your COLLEGE English course, and you get
really frustrated because you can’t recall
all the kindergarten-period skills that it requires.
45. You check your e-mail about six times a day, only to find that nobody
cares enough to send anything to you.
46. You believe that Quayle would actually win the 1996
47. You read Anne Sexton’s poetry for twelve out of any sixteen-hour
48. You read Sylvia Plath to cheer yourself up, and when that doesn’t work
you pop _The Wall_ into the stereo…
49. You think Popeye’s anchor tattoo would look even better on YOUR
50. You use Speed Stick Clear Ocean Surf Deodorant for the scent.
51. You start appending a list like this, and you find yourself just going
on and on and on and on…
52. You start to repeat yourself.
53. You start to repeat yourself.
54. You start really stretching for bad jokes and cheap laughs.
55. You recognize that you are doing so.
56. You blatantly announce it.
57. You keep looking in the Rap section at Tower Records trying to find
that new M.C. Escher album.
58. Your greatest accomplishment to date in your college career is your
new-found ability to blow smoke rings.
59. You resort to mass e-mailings as your sole means of unabashedly begging