the blog

Until I temporarily “lost” my blog due to a hosting change this week, I hadn’t fully realized how important it had become in my life.

To be able to speak as I wanted wasn’t very allowed when I was a child, lo these many years ago. Most of my life has been spent as an adult, but it’s the ancient habits that need to be worked on most.

I wasn’t so much told to be quiet, since I was pretty quiet to begin with, but informed by my mother on the vast majority of occasions that whatever my opinion was, it was wrong. Whatever I said I felt, it was wrong. “You don’t really mean that; you don’t really feel like that.”

So, I became quieter, for a while, and I quit knowing what I felt, since it was obviously wrong. On the one hand, I’ve gotten far past it. On the other hand, I still must constantly remind myself to pay attention to what I really see and feel. Even now, Mordechai will look at me and say, “Your energy is down… what’s wrong?” And I’ll look inside and find out I’m anxious or sad for whatever reason.

There’s an immense lightening of the spirit that accompanies the realization of my true inner life, whatever it might consist of at the moment, and this is where the blog comes in handy. To state things publicly, serious or frivolous. As I wish. That’s freedom.