‘Twas the week before Christmas�
from Eamonn Fitzgerald’s Rainy Day
…and because George and Tony had been very good boys Santa Claus came early and brought them not one but TWO big presents. That’s right, children. Listen up!
Earlier this year, Jacques, Gerhard, Vladimir, Kofi and Howard secretly wrote to Santa and said that George and Tony had been playing with fire and should not get any presents. But Santa has always had a soft spot for little lads who mean well but are unconventional in their ways. He felt that Jacques, Gerhard, Vladimir, Kofi and Howard were just jealous and, anyway, he doesn’t like tattlers so he decided to arrive early to George and Tony with a tyrant in his big bag. That’s right, children. He gave them a fully-bearded Saddam, who got just a little bit grubby on his way down the chimney. The other boys were furious because there was only one Saddam in the world, but because they didn’t want to jeopardize their own chances of getting what they’d asked for (reconstruction contracts, votes, jobs…), they pretended to be happy for George and Tony and said that this was a very good thing for everyone.
And what happened then? Santa saw that George and Tony were so pleased with the tyrant and everyone else was pleased, too, so he decided to visit them again, and this time he brought them a rogue. That’s right, when the other boys were in bed last night, Santa arrived simultaneously in Washington and London with a Gaddafi. Don’t ask me how he does it kids, he’s Santa, OK? Well, when Jacques, Gerhard, Vladimir, Kofi and Howard woke up this morning and heard the news they were stunned. Two visits by Santa to George and Tony! A dictator and a rogue! And nothing for themselves? Because the Big People had given them lots and lots of pocket money during they year and they had bought all kind of gizmos and gadgets, they quickly figured out how to set up a conference call. What had they done wrong, they asked. After all, they had been nice to each other, they had spoken out against that crazy George and his poodle Tony, they had stirred up hatred of George, they had prayed for Tony’s resignation. And, of course, some of them had given presents to Saddam and Gaddafi many years ago, and now Santa had taken the tyrant and the rogue and given them as presents to George and Tony!
Howard began to cry.
“Whaz up?” asked Kofi.
“If Santa keeps going at this rate he might come back to those two again,” Howard groaned.
“So vat?” asked Gerhard.
“Well, don’t you see?” asked Howard.
“Mon Dieu!” exclaimed Jacques and Vladimir.
“That’s right,” said Howard. “If he comes back again he might bring them a Kim!”
Jacques, Gerhard, Vladimir, Kofi and Howard began to weep. Copiously, uncontrollably and, of course, multilaterally.
white pebble 